Gospel of Luke 1-5 The Devil is in the Details

Luke 1-5

We get the third version of the Jesus chronicles.  Rashomon anyone?  Just kidding, Luke tells the same story as Matthew and Mark.

So far, Luke seems (to me) to be a better storyteller.  It's nice to get a little more background on Jesus.

I'm amused and confused by chapter 2.  Mary and Joseph don't notice that their 12 year old kid isn't with them on the way home?!?!  Someone call DCFS!

Then we get this line from Jesus in the temple;

2:49 And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? It's my understanding from reading Matthew and Mark that Jesus didn't know he was the son of God until he was baptized by John. We do get a ton of historical references, which some state is proof that the events in the book are real.  But we have to keep in mind that these gospels were written well after the events occurred and these names could have been inserted to add credibility. The last part of chapter three gives us another asinine listing of begats.  Useless information.  While reading chapter five, I was struck by something that I didn't pick up on while reading Matthew and Mark.  The story of the fishermen Peter, James and John seems more like one of Jesus' parable and less like an actual event.  Did the author(s) confuse the fiction with the non-fiction?  Was it lost over the time between the life of Jesus and the writing of the books?

Gospel of Mark - The Cliff Notes

Gospel of Mark

Mark copies off Matthew's paper and gives us an abbreviated version of the story of Jesus.
For the millionth time I question the editors of the bible.  Why is this in here?  It's obviously just a cut and paste job.

Gospel of Matthew 26-28 Thy will be done

Matthew 26-28

I'm busy with work but want to get done with this chapter before Jesus shows up again.


The big climax (first version anyway)!

It almost passover and Jesus knows the end is near.  He blames society.  Society made him.

He tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood metaphorically (although the metaphor is totally lost on me.  What does this symbolize?).
Catholics seem to take this almost literally for some reason.  I personally find that pretty absurd.
Here's the lawyer speak explanation.

He asks his dad if he can get out of this dying for the sins of others plan.  It doesn't make sense. But God/Father doesn't answer so he's screwed.

While the other followers sleep off the celebration, Judas gives Jesus up for 30 pieces of silver and seals  the LORDS fate with a kiss.  A Judas Kiss.

When the law comes knocking, Jesus' pals go running but that's OK, it's all part of the master plan.  The Jews smack Jesus around before taking him to see the governor.

The priests want Jesus dead for personal/political reasons and Pilate knows this.  He tries to scare the population straight by letting the crowd decide between releasing either Barabbas, a generic bad guy,  or Jesus, destroyer of the status quo.  The crowd picks Barrabas and condemns Jesus to death by crucifixion.

So it is true that the Jews killed Jesus.  But, if they didn't the world wouldn't have all those great churches, and the cast of the Jersey Shore and rappers wouldn't have shiny crucifix bling to wear around their necks.

Do you think Snooki reads the bible?

If the Romans chose to kill Jesus, would we be hating Italians now?

Jesus gets beat up and mocked some more .  Then nailed to a cross.  He dies and is put into a followers tomb, where he supposedly raises from the dead a day and a half later.  Everyone that believes this goes to heaven and lives happily ever after.  The end.

While I can believe that someone named Jesus may have existed and that he may have pissed off the high priests of the temple and gotten himself killed, the whole reasoning falls flat.
Once again I question god's thinking.

Discuss.

Gospel of Matthew 24-25 The Best Thing Jesus Ever Said

Matthew 24-25

We start off with some information that must have creeped out the disciples.

24:8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.

24:9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.

24:10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. I'm guessing some of the guys were thinking of leaving the Jesus camp and joining the Roman army.

More proto-revelations in chapter 24.  I'm finding myself glossing over these parts because I know all the gory details will come out at the end of the Bible.

Chapter 25 gives us a couple more weak parables.  I think Jesus started getting pre-occupied with his impending death/resurrection and started phoning in his teachings.  Would like to see an improv group spoof the 10 virgins.

The parable of the lord, his servants and the talents really bothered me.
The servant that took care of his masters property and didn't risk it is punished.  Those that risked the money that they were entrusted with were rewarded (only because they were successful in making more money).  I know it's a parable for getting into heaven, but this really hits home these days as a horrible message.  I've never heard this used as an excuse to invest money but I can see a Christian right wing candidate like Romney using it.

But, right afterwards we get to what I believe is the best part of the bible.  It's a Humanist message of taking care of each other.  Watching out for our fellow man.  It doesn't need to be about being good to get a reward at the end.

Enjoy;

25:35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

25:36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

25:37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

25:38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

25:39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

'nuff said

Matthew 20-23 ...a den of thieves.

Matthew 20-23

Chapter 20 starts off with a rather lame parable.
Then, once again Jesus prepares the gang that his time is short.
20:19 is a little suspiciously too detailed for my taste.  I think there may have been just a little embellishment by the scribe. ;-)

20:19 And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.

Is Jesus talking about himself in the third person?  Always a sign of an ego-maniac.

We get an admission of a self fulfilling prophesy.  Jesus knew how to play to Old Testament to his advantage.

21:2 Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me.

21:3 And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them.

21:4 All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying,

21:5 Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass. Quote of the day from Jesus; 21:13 And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

This sounds (to this Atheist at least) like what every TV preacher and mega-church does today, selling prayers, trinkets, books, and healing for a 'small donation'.
I would love to see Jesus show up on the 700 Club, recite this passage and then kick Pat Robertson in the balls!

Jesus returns to the temple the next day and again heals and teaches, pissing off the priests.  They want to take Jesus down but fear the massive posse of the LORD.

Jesus himself advocates the separation of church and state!!!

22:17 Tell us therefore, What thinkest thou? Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar, or not?

22:18 But Jesus perceived their wickedness, and said, Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites?

22:19 Shew me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny.

22:20 And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription? 22:21 They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's. 22:22 When they had heard these words, they marvelled, and left him, and went their way. This is an awesome line!  Jesus/Matthew could turn a phrase couldn't he? 23:25 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess.

Matthew 17-19 So, anyway...

Matthew 17-19

This is my busy season at work.  Postings will be irregular  for the next month or so.

Turns out John the Baptist is an alias for the prophet Elais.
Scattered amongst more miracles, Jesus tells his friends that he's got enemies and that he's going to get caught and killed.  But fear not, he'll rise from the dead in three days.  Why three days?  If Jesus died on Friday afternoon and rose early sunday morning (at least he was found then, he could have risen Saturday night and hung around until early Sunday), that's barely 36 hours.  But I'm getting ahead of the story, hope I didn't ruin the ending for you.
The answer of course is that the numbers 3, 7 and 40, among others, were important in the 'bible days' so that's what they used.

Jesus infamously advocates for self mutilation;

18:8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. 18:15-18 would seem to be the reasoning the Catholic Church uses for not reporting the sex abuse cases.   I'm only half kidding. 19:6 is the classic line used in every religious wedding I've ever been to; 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Jesus also condemns divorce and has strong words for those who participate.  Seems Moses was wrong. Also seems Newt Gingrich and many other christian right don't feel this teaching of Jesus is very important as divorce in the christian community is only slightly less then the general population.  38-42% vs 50%.

Matthew 13- Farmer Jesus

Matthew 13

I'm sorry I passed this chapter up.  I read several chapters and then broke them up into consumable bites and ended up leaving this one out.

The basic premise of this chapter is that Jesus preferred to speak in parables to illustrate his lessons.
He also seems to like seeds.  Perhaps if he lived inland he would have been a farmer instead of a carpenter/savior.

I/We WILL be cast into flames!!!

13:41 The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity;

13:42 And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.

I didn't think a fiery hell was actually mentioned in the Bible until Revelations.

So, did Jesus have brothers and sisters or is that how they referred to his friends and followers?

We finish with people in the synagogue (the priests I assume) not being to happy with Jesus teaching these new fangled ideas to the masses.  They still think a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Matthew 14-16 O thou of little faith

Matthew 14-16

John the Baptist meets his maker?  Did he accept Jesus as his personal savior before he died or wasn't that an option yet?

Jesus then performs a variation on Elisha's bottemless vessel trick, feeding the multitudes with a couple fish tacos.

I like the symbolism in the Jesus walking on water piece;

14:29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

14:30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

14:31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? I knew Jesus walked on water but the rest of the story is so much more compelling with a great message about having faith in his actions.  Why isn't this more well known? I have to give Jesus and pals a big thumbs down in Chapter 15 for not washing their hands before eating.  Even worse, he goes to great lengths to justify his poor behavior. If Jesus had died of food poisoning, would he still have risen a day and a half later? A great line; 15:14 Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch. Jesus again does the loaves and fishes bit.  This looks suspiciously like a retelling of the first version in a different location.  Poor editing? Another great line; 16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? Two important lines finish off chapter 16. 16:27 For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. This seems to say that God will judge man on what he does, not what he professes.  Do good deeds matter? Atheists like to use this line, indicating that the timeframe given by Jesus for the end days was WAY off. 16:28 Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom. Discuss.

Matthew 9-12

Matthew 9-12

Jesus continues his healing tour and rounds out his apostile line up.

Is there a timeframe that is given anywhere that tells us how long Jesus was wandering around healing people and collecting his entourage?  From the reading so far I get the impression that is was over a very short period of time.

10:32 to 10:38 is the classic 'I don't come in peace, I come with a sword" line that many Atheists like to use against the peaceful Jesus.  Sadly (to some, but not me), within the context of the rest of the chapter, it fits and is not the horrible statement it's made out to be.  It's not nice, more Old Testament like actually.

Jesus gives his men marching orders and lets them know that it's going to be a rough job and some of them aren't going to be coming back.
To paraphrase Jesus, 'Don't fear the men that will destroy your body.  Fear me, the man who will destroy your body AND soul!
I'm guessing some of them are now wishing they had stayed on the boat.  ;-)

John the Baptist, still sitting in prison, sends out his own disciples to check in on Jesus.  I got the impression that maybe John was having second thoughts on Jesus being the messiah.  Did he think that Jesus couldn't possibly be doing all these great things,  or was there some professional jealousy going on?

I find chapter 12 very interesting in that Jesus had earlier stated that men should keep the laws of Moses;

5:19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven... And yet not working on the sabbath isn't important anymore.  I believe that killing the man for collecting wood on the sabbath was the first judgement that man did in defense of the 10 commandments.  Can someone explain the seeming contradiction?

Matthew 6-8 O ye of little faith

Matthew 6-8
Been under the weather for the last few days and once again this entry wasn't auto-posted.

Jesus continues his lessons.

6:9 gives us the Lords Prayer.  How many thousands of times have I had to recite this in church and at home?  I'm finding it quite fun to see where the Catholic Church gets the content for it's mass!   I also love reading all the phrases and saying that have become so common it todays world.

Jesus rightly tells us to do good deeds without the need for reward.
But, he also gives us this load of poop.

7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

7:8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

We don't get everything we want. Even the most holy don't always get what they pray for.  Do they?*

Chapter 8 is the 'Healing Chapter".  Jesus shows off his variety of powers to cure lepers, the sick, those possessed by demons and even calm rough seas!

We get another example of Jesus saying that we should keep the laws of Moses after he cures a leper;

8:4 And Jesus saith unto him, See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.

Once again I have to say that I really like the writing from Jesus over the Old Testament.  Other then the more positive attitude, it's also much better written and more engaging.


*Please don't answer this with "God answers every prayer and gives us just what we need."  That's just a cop out.

Matthew 3-5 Jesus Becomes a Preacher

Matthew 3-5

NOTE:  I set this post to automatically post on December 30th.  It obviously didn't.  I apologize for the delay.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays and looking forward to a happy, healthy 2012.  Celebrate safe!

So, when we last met Jesus, he was being born, becoming a wanted fugitive and hiding from the law.

He now meets up with John the Baptist, a charismatic locust eater working in Jordan.
John seems to think Jesus is the Messiah and reluctantly baptises him.

3:13 Then cometh Jesus from Galilee to Jordan unto John, to be baptized of him.

3:14 But John forbad him, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me?

Jesus comes out of the water and is the first person to suffer from Jerusalem Syndrome.

3:16 And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:

3:17 And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

He too thinks he's the Son of God and starts to collect his entourage.  He then goes on a speaking tour with some leper healing on the side.

I'm taken aback by how sparse the information is on Jesus and his actions.  He suddenly appears fully grown, becomes the "Son of God" and leaps into the role of teacher/healer immediately.

Chapter 5 is pretty much everything that Christianity is based on.  The Dos and Don'ts that we all know so well.  The good stuff.   As I read this all I can think is "Why didn't God/the Bible start out this way?"  After 4000-6000 years of god being frustrated and angry and instilling fear into humanity, why not just send Jesus down to lead the Chosen People out of Egypt instead of Moses?

Even better, after Adam and Eve "sinned" for eating from the tree of knowledge, why didn't God come by and say "Whoops, you guys messed up by listening to the serpent.  I know I forgot to teach you right from wrong so here's my son Jesus to fill you in on how to behave while you're here."

But, I digress.  I'm so happy to be reading this now.  The Old Testament was such a bummer and the New Testament is a breath of fresh air.  I can see why people were ready to follow him and (eventually) convert to Christianity.

My only question(s) to you is, Jesus explicitly says:

5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

5:19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

So why do people feel that Jesus broke from the Jewish faith?  Christians still follow (in theory) the ten commandments given to Moses but others seem to have gone away (the treatment of slaves/women, stoning transgressors of the law, resting on the sabbath, etc).
Bonus question, why is a service in a Jewish Temple so much different then one in a Baptist Church?

Gospel of Matthew 1-2 - A New Hope

Matthew 1-2

We start the New Testament (NT) with the Gospel of Matthew.  This book seems to be a 'cliff notes' of the life of Jesus of Nazareth, a Jew born of a virgin mother, baptized by John the Baptist who then considers himself to be the son of the God of Moses.

I have to admit that the book didn't start out well for me.  A long list of begats is no way to draw in the reader.  And the end result is ultimately irrelevant!  So what if Joseph is a decedent of Abraham?  He has no blood ties to Jesus and is fairly unnecessary to the story other then to add a small amount of drama.  We should have gotten MARY'S lineage!

The Holy Ghost impregnates a teenager before her betrothed gets a chance.  Joseph is not happy but plays along.

Once Mary gets pregnant, the story kicks off and it's quite a tale.  Wise men on a quest, a jealous king, a family on the run.  We're off to an exciting start!

Book of Malachi - We're Freakin' Done with the Old Testament!!!

Malachi 1-4

Malachi is the last of the minor prophets as well as being the last book in the King James Old Testament.

He isn't any more pleasant then the previous 11 minor prophets and is actually fairly graphic in his descriptions of God's wrath.

2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it. God (actually, the priests in charge) demands money and food; 3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. 3:9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. We finish up with the command to remember the laws of Moses.  I know that there is some disagreement on wether or not Jesus tells followers to obey the old laws or to forget them.  I hope we'll find out in the next book! 4:4 Remember ye the law of Moses my servant, which I commanded unto him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgments. 4:5 Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD

We finally make it to the end of the Old Testament.  I wish I had some profound words but it's more like feeling exhausted when you cross the finish line in a race, you're just glad it's over.

Having read the Gospel of Matthew before, I know it's a MUCH more pleasant book and a lot of positive messages for the reader. :-)

Book of Isaiah 7-9 ...shall call his name Immanuel.

Isaiah 7-9

7:14 Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

I'm guessing that several passages in this section will make my Christian readers jump up and down and yell at me "See this?  This is prophesy that predicts the birth of Jesus!!!!  Told you so!!!"

Well, go ahead.

But aside from the inconsistency of the name, Emmanuel (which happens again in the Gospel of Matthew), the prophesy is fairly general and isn't it more likely that the story of Jesus was rooted in these passages as a way to tie him into the Old Testament?

Discuss...