Book of Malachi - We're Freakin' Done with the Old Testament!!!

Malachi 1-4

Malachi is the last of the minor prophets as well as being the last book in the King James Old Testament.

He isn't any more pleasant then the previous 11 minor prophets and is actually fairly graphic in his descriptions of God's wrath.

2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it. God (actually, the priests in charge) demands money and food; 3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. 3:9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. We finish up with the command to remember the laws of Moses.  I know that there is some disagreement on wether or not Jesus tells followers to obey the old laws or to forget them.  I hope we'll find out in the next book! 4:4 Remember ye the law of Moses my servant, which I commanded unto him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgments. 4:5 Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD

We finally make it to the end of the Old Testament.  I wish I had some profound words but it's more like feeling exhausted when you cross the finish line in a race, you're just glad it's over.

Having read the Gospel of Matthew before, I know it's a MUCH more pleasant book and a lot of positive messages for the reader. :-)

Book of Zechariah, ...saith the LORD of hosts

Zechariah 1-14

Damn, one more longish book.  Can you guess what it's about?

I love this line;

1:15 And I am very sore displeased with the heathen that are at ease: for I was but a little displeased, and they helped forward the affliction. Can you believe that there is reference to Santa n the Holy Bible? It's true!  Zechariah prophesied Santa Claus over a thousand years before he came to be.  You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried! 2:6 Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north...

And the fact that it comes up in our reading JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS?!?!  There is no way that is a coincidence!



Zechariah eats peyote and writes several more chapters on his visits with angels, God, Joshua, The BRANCH and a flying roll. They all have something profound to say.

Chapter 8 gives us some nice, encouraging words fro God.  He gets sentimental after a few beers;

8:3 Thus saith the LORD; I am returned unto Zion, and will dwell in the midst of Jerusalem: and Jerusalem shall be called a city of truth; and the mountain of the LORD of hosts the holy mountain.
8:4 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; There shall yet old men and old women dwell in the streets of Jerusalem, and every man with his staff in his hand for very age.
8:5 And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in the streets thereof.

This is an odd prophesy.  Anyone know who the ten men are supposed to be?

8:22 Yea, many people and strong nations shall come to seek the LORD of hosts in Jerusalem, and to pray before the LORD.
8:23 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; In those days it shall come to pass, that ten men shall take hold out of all languages of the nations, even shall take hold of the skirt of him that is a Jew, saying, We will go with you: for we have heard that God is with you.

God admits he's punishing the innocent;

10:3 Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats

Once again the future is foretold!

14:12 And this shall be the plague wherewith the LORD will smite all the people that have fought against Jerusalem; Their flesh shall consume away while they stand upon their feet, and their eyes shall consume away in their holes, and their tongue shall consume away in their mouth. The last part of Zechariah is apocalypse, end of the world stuff but it falls pretty flat in my eyes.

Book of Haggai, Be strong, all ye people of the land

Haggai 1-2

I was a little confused by the first part of chapter 1.  It seemed that God was pleased with 'the people', but then he wasn't.  He didn't seem to like the house they built?  And he blew them down?  Hmmm.

Haggai/God does revisit some rather obscure laws;

2:11 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Ask now the priests concerning the law, saying,

2:12 If one bear holy flesh in the skirt of his garment, and with his skirt do touch bread, or pottage, or wine, or oil, or any meat, shall it be holy? And the priests answered and said, No. And; 2:13 Then said Haggai, If one that is unclean by a dead body touch any of these, shall it be unclean? And the priests answered and said, It shall be unclean. He seems to use them as metaphors.  Nice work. Still the LORD doesn't quite get it. 2:17 I smote you with blasting and with mildew and with hail in all the labours of your hands; yet ye turned not to me, saith the LORD

Book of Zephaniah, Woe to her that is filthy and polluted

Zephaniah 1-3

Zep gets right down to it.  Death and destruction from the word go!

He goes after a large number of people, probably the largest group threatened by a single prophet.

At the end, he lets up on the threats to let the people know that they can be saved if they submit to God's will.

Book of Nahum

Nahum 1-3

The only interesting thing about this short book is that it involves the proposed fate of the city of Nineveh, the same city that Jonah was charged with saving.  I'm guessing this is the violence that God was promising before Jonah showed up.  Good thing the folks of Nineveh had a change of heart.

My only question would be, did God have Nahum standing by as his back up prophet in case Jonah's whale conversion didn't take?

Book of Jeremiah 13-15 Dirty Girdle

Jeremiah 13-15

Chapter 13 starts off sounding like a set up for a joke but there is no pay-off.  Can anyone make something funny out of it?

God is going to cause Jerusalem to expose it's proverbial privates to expose it's naughtiness.

13:26 Therefore will I discover thy skirts upon thy face, that thy shame may appear.

13:27 I have seen thine adulteries, and thy neighings, the lewdness of thy whoredom, and thine abominations on the hills in the fields. Woe unto thee, O Jerusalem! wilt thou not be made clean? when shall it once be?

If the city's already being bad, why does he need to expose it?

God once again tells them that they are screwed no matter what.  He ain't listening.

14:12 When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. God also tells a prophet that prophets are liars!  Except for Jeremiah of course.  That was probably mentioned in his ad in the local paper. 14:14 Then the LORD said unto me, The prophets prophesy lies in my name: I sent them not, neither have I commanded them, neither spake unto them: they prophesy unto you a false vision and divination, and a thing of nought, and the deceit of their heart. 14:15 Therefore thus saith the LORD concerning the prophets that prophesy in my name, and I sent them not, yet they say, Sword and famine shall not be in this land; By sword and famine shall those prophets be consumed. I'm finding it interesting that the LORD is always threatening Israel with near utter destruction like in first part of chapter 15 but he never follows thru.  Unlike the bloodthirsty god of the first part of the OT, this god just talks shit he can't back up with action.

Book of Jeremiah 4-6 My bowels, my bowels!

Jeremiah 4-6

Jeremiah prophesies again and sure enough, folks are in trouble because they've forgotten the LORD.
We're only a few chapters into this book and it already sounds like the broken record of Isaiah.

To save everyone some time, this is what every prophet says;
Oh Israel!  you have turned away from the god that has created you and led you out of Egypt!
God is sad that you don't bring him lunch anymore and have taken up false idols and lusty women!
The LORD is going to punish you for this by killing many, destroying your crops and kicking you in the nuts, but he still loves you.  REALLY!  He's doesn't WANT to hurt you.  He'd rather make you oatmeal and raison cookies but you just don't freakin' listen do you?!?!
Good news though, God can see in the future and says that eventually all of you will wise up and get your act together.


Who says the Bible doesn't have humor!

5:8 They were as fed horses in the morning: every one neighed after his neighbour's wife.

Gotta love this line!  Jeremiah outs himself as a fraud.

5:31 The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests bear rule by their means; and my people love to have it so: and what will ye do in the end thereof? 6:22 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, a people cometh from the north country, and a great nation shall be raised from the sides of the earth. The take away from this reading is that God is sending the bad guys from the north to mess with his beloved people.

Jeremiah 1-3 A prophet unto the nations

Jeremiah 1-3

Isaiah is done but Jeremiah looks to be just as tough to get through.  I'm actually fondly remembering the wholesale slaughter in the Book of Joshua.
The guys sure aren't Elijah/Jesus level prophets.

How do we know Jeremiah is a prophet?  He says he is.
How does HE know he's a prophet?  God told him so.  'nuff said.  After all, no one questions that John Smith was a true prophet.

So, we've proven Jeremiah is a prophet, but we don't get any profit out of the first few chapters in his book.  Just the same old speech about Israelites turning away from God and God being sad.

Jeremiah doesn't mince words.  He doesn't care much for the actions of Israel or Judah.

3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.

Even though they are both horrible states, God like Israel better.  He gives them a chance.

3:12 Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever.

Finally, at the end of chapter 3 we get a little light prophecy about reunification, but any dime-store prophet could have prophesied that.