Book of Jeremiah 4-6 My bowels, my bowels!

Jeremiah 4-6

Jeremiah prophesies again and sure enough, folks are in trouble because they've forgotten the LORD.
We're only a few chapters into this book and it already sounds like the broken record of Isaiah.

To save everyone some time, this is what every prophet says;
Oh Israel!  you have turned away from the god that has created you and led you out of Egypt!
God is sad that you don't bring him lunch anymore and have taken up false idols and lusty women!
The LORD is going to punish you for this by killing many, destroying your crops and kicking you in the nuts, but he still loves you.  REALLY!  He's doesn't WANT to hurt you.  He'd rather make you oatmeal and raison cookies but you just don't freakin' listen do you?!?!
Good news though, God can see in the future and says that eventually all of you will wise up and get your act together.


Who says the Bible doesn't have humor!

5:8 They were as fed horses in the morning: every one neighed after his neighbour's wife.

Gotta love this line!  Jeremiah outs himself as a fraud.

5:31 The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests bear rule by their means; and my people love to have it so: and what will ye do in the end thereof? 6:22 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, a people cometh from the north country, and a great nation shall be raised from the sides of the earth. The take away from this reading is that God is sending the bad guys from the north to mess with his beloved people.

Book of Isaiah 63-66 Where for art thou?

Isaiah 63-66

This book has dragged on forever.  The folks that compiled the KJV left out a lot of stuff.  Why didn't they cut Isaiah down to 20-30 chapters?

We do get some really good writing  from Isaiah at the end and he asks a really good question;
'Hey God!  Where did you go? Why don't you hang out with us like you did with Abraham and Moses?'

He asks these questions but he already knows the reason.  Israel is a collective bunch of screw-ups who can't/won't follow God's rules.  Pretty simple.

God has a good answer for him;
'I watch you continually disappointing me and I know you'll always be this way but I won't destroy you completely.  Some of you will obey and I'll be nice to you.'

He seems to indicate that he'll start again from scratch;

65:17 For, behold, I create new heavens and a new earth: and the former shall not be remembered, nor come into mind. And 66:22 For as the new heavens and the new earth, which I will make, shall remain before me, saith the LORD, so shall your seed and your name remain. Chapter 66 is how ALL the books of the bible should end!!!  Fire! Death! Redemption!  Every word is gold.  We get a concise explanation of what God plans to do. Isaiah may be long-winded but he knew how to finish with a bang.

Book of Isaiah 59-62 Their webs shall not become garments

Isaiah 59-62

Long story short;
We are lost without God.

Almost done with Isaiah!

Book of Isaiah 56-58 Behold, I am a dry tree

Isaiah 56-58

I'm guessing believers will say the first verse in this chapter is predicting Jesus.

56:1 Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed.

I like this odd bit;

56:3 Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. I also like this verse.  Makes me feel warm inside. 56:12 Come ye, say they, I will fetch wine, and we will fill ourselves with strong drink; and to morrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant. Chapter 57 sees god punishing the children of the wicked but this time it's for their own wickedness. Chapter 58 shows us a God we've never seen before.  Kind, loving, telling us to be nice to others.  He tells us that if we love and obey him, he'll take care of us.  Nice guy.

Book of Isaiah 52-55

Isaiah 52-55

I guess I should pay closer attention to what Isaiah is saying but he's lost me as a writer.

Isaiah/God continues to tell us how great he is, why it's wonderful that he likes the Israelites (imagine if he DIDN'T like them!) and says something about how barren women, or women who have lost a child, or both should be ok with it because HE (God) is their husband.  Or, did I miss the point because I just don't care??

Chapter 53 has me very confused.  Is Isaiah trying to tell us we're supposed fel sorry for God?  Or am I reading this wrong and we're supposed to feel sorry for the unsaved man?   Or, did I miss the point because I just don't care??

Considering this is the inspired word of god almighty, it's not very clear sometimes.  When missionaries handed out bibles to tribes back in the day, did they really expect these people to catch on to christianity based on the Bible?   Or, did I miss the point because I don't care??

What do I care about?  The Viking Kittens!

Book of Isaiah 49-51 from the bowels of my mother

Isaiah 49-51

I think Isaiah is out boring even Job!  Make it stop!

There's something about dead kids and cannibalism.

I have noticed that Isaiah likes to bring up the old school characters from Genesis.

Five more days of this and then we get a small reprieve with the light-hearted Lamentations.

Book of Isaiah 46-48

Isaiah 46-48

Once more, nothing much to report from these passages.

Isaiah/God does give us a rather lengthy but clear idea of why the Israelites are in the situation they're in.
He sounds like a tired old parent (which I guess he is), reminding the offspring that "Yes, I still love you and yes, you can continue to live in my basement without paying rent.  But, if you listen to me and straighten out and get a job, I'll let you live in the finished attic, or better yet, I'll loan you money tot get your own place!"

The seed O Jacob seems to be ok with the basement.

Book of Isaiah 40-43 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd

Isaiah 40-43

We get another early (pre-New testament) reference to shepherds, lambs and flocks that will become the running theme in Christianity.

40:11 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. 40:18 To whom then will ye liken God? or what likeness will ye compare unto him? A ton of people think Eric Clapton is God. I personally prefer Bob Mould. We learn that Isaiah himself is the LORD God! 41:4 Who hath wrought and done it, calling the generations from the beginning? I the LORD, the first, and with the last; I am he. This is in the first person form and the Bible is all true, so....  ;-) God makes the bold statement that he is the one and only God in existence but, he he proclaims that his existence is finite!!!  He's mortal!!! 43:10 Ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen: that ye may know and believe me, and understand that I am he: before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me. He goes on to proclaim that he is the only way to be saved. Chapters 42-43 are stuffed with meaty goodness but rather confusing to this humble reader. God seems to be saying 'I love you Israel.  You are my favorite people and I'll bless you, even though you are sinners and repeatedly disobey me.' What do you think?  Is God getting a soft heart for the blight of the Israelites?  Is he still disappointed in them but like a parent, helping them out begrudgingly?

Book of Isaiah 36-39 and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.

Isaiah 36-39

Story telling returns.  And what incredible detail.  I guess we can thank Shebna the scribe and Joah the recorder.
Did this actually happen or is it a parable?  Regardless, the king of Assyria is pretty cocky.  Will Hezekiah win the LORD's favor?  Why would God want to help now?

Anyway, he sends an angel to kill thousands of Assyrians.  They all wake up the next day and they're dead!

37:36 Then the angel of the LORD went forth, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians a hundred and fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. How come we don't know anything about the Assyrian god Nisroch?  I like the name and he/she looks pretty cool.  Not as commanding a name as The LORD though.

Isaiah predicts (?) that Hezekiah will die but the king cries about it and God gives him 15 more years of life.  God can be a soft touch sometimes.
God REALLY likes Hezekiah because he reverses the orbit of the Earth to prove he's on the level, adding 2.4 hours to a single day.  Almost like Superman!

The last bit confuses me;

39:7 And of thy sons that shall issue from thee, which thou shalt beget, shall they take away; and they shall be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.
39:8 Then said Hezekiah to Isaiah, Good is the word of the LORD which thou hast spoken. He said moreover, For there shall be peace and truth in my days Any ideas?

Book of Isaiah 33-35 And the unicorns shall come down with them

Isaiah 33-35

34:7 And the unicorns shall come down with them...

We haven't heard from the unicorns in a while.  I found this explanation of biblical unicorns pretty interesting.
Dragons and Satyrs come to visit also.

35:8 seems to be the antithesis to AC/DC's Highway to Hell

Other then that, nothing really stood out for me.  How about you?

Book of Isaiah 30-32 to sift the nations with the sieve of vanity

Isaiah 30-32

Seems like only last week that Isaiah said that Egypt, Assyria and Israel would all join together and praise the LORD.

30:31 For through the voice of the LORD shall the Assyrian be beaten down, [which] smote with a rod.

Guess they have to get their collective asses kicked first.

Will the Conservative Bible Project change these lines?

32:5 The vile person shall be no more called liberal

32:8 But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand.

Book of Isaiah 28-29 For all tables are full of vomit and filthiness

Isaiah 28-29

28:1 Woe to the crown of pride, to the drunkards of Ephraim

Man, Isaiah makes it personal!
The people of Ephraim are a bunch of winos and Isaiah seems to think this is a bad thing.

29:6 is a great example of how a generic prophesy can be applied to almost any situation.

"Thou shalt be visited of the LORD of hosts with thunder, and with earthquake, and great noise, with storm and tempest, and the flame of devouring fire." This can be applied to the recent events on the American east coast or to the Japanese earthquake at the beginning of the year.  It probably matters little that the prophesy was intended for Ariel. I love the writing here.  poetic and deep; 29:10 For the LORD hath poured out upon you the spirit of deep sleep, and hath closed your eyes: the prophets and your rulers, the seers hath he covered. 29:11 And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which men deliver to one that is learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I cannot; for it is sealed: 29:12 And the book is delivered to him that is not learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I am not learned. 29:13 Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men Unfortunately, it's followed by this; 29:14 Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among this people, even a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid. Why is it "a marvellous work and a wonder" to make people stupid?

Book of Isaiah 24-27

Isaiah 24-27

Isaiah gets grim and gives us a little proto-revelations gloom and doom.

He then turns an emotional 180 and gets into worship mode.

The writing is a little less poetic here and there but I still like the feel.

Book of Isaiah 17-20 as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit

Isaiah 17-20

Isaiah continues his rants against other nations.  I imagine him as a Ted Kaczynski type loner living in a cave, making empty threats against all those he thinks have wronged him/Israel in the past.  Damascus and Egypt are the focus for this reading.

  

Women are insulted when they are portrayed as weak creatures;

19:16 In that day shall Egypt be like unto women: and it shall be afraid and fear because of the shaking of the hand of the LORD of hosts, which he shaketh over it.

He seems to think that Egypt will become friendly with Israel and Assyria or possibly become a jewish (or christian?) nation.  Better hurry up the end of times is coming fast!  oh, and Assyria no longer exists according to Wikipedia.

That's the problem with prophesies. Those of us living here in the future have actual history to judge them against.  The key is to make a prophesy of a past event in private without dating it, wait several decades for it to be released, and then let the world think you're a freaking great prophet.

Here are some examples from my personal, handwritten journal that will be released on my 100th birthday in the year 2061;

1. In the autumn, those who follow the prophet Mohamed will cause the towers of the great city to erupt in flame.  America, the Great Satan will run in fear and confusion.  But, their wrath shall be swift and bring death and destruction to the innocent in the land of Allah.

2. The dictator of Babylon shall thump his chest and  proclaim to be invincible, but the great army of the west shall drive him into a hole.  He shall find final justice at the wrong end of an asp. (see what I did there?  I used a metaphor!)

3.  God shall exact revenge on the great island nation for the false worship of Hello Kitty.  The earth shall open up under their feet, the sea shall wash away the sinful and God's wrath shall glow and spew from their places of great power.  Microchip production maybe affected and God will cause longer then usual shipping times for the iPad.

Book of Isaiah 13-16 The weapons of his indignation

Isaiah 13-16

Isaiah brings back the war mongering god we all know and love!!!

God's scorched earth policy is in full effect.  Men are run thru, children are dashed before the eyes of their parents and the women will be raped.

The name Lucifer gets a quick mention in 14:3, but it doesn't seem to apply to the devil.
We are also once more reminded that God will punish the children for the deeds of the father.

We learn about a rare animal, the Cockatrice!  I'll have to go to the museum of natural history to see one because I think they're extinct now, I mean, the Bible doesn't have any fallacy in it.
I wonder why the new translations of the Bible changed it to viper or asp?

Money line:

16:11 Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab

Bottom line, Babylon and Moab are f@&ked.
Who's gonna be next?

EDIT:  Speaking of Babylon, I just found this in my Facebook feed.  It also has a piece on the Catholic Church!  God is indeed guiding me!

Book of Isaiah 4-6 The Fire Devoureth the Stubble

Isaiah 4-6

Man this stuff is getting REALLY monotonous.  When are we going to get back to some of that good old God smiting and war mongering of his chosen people?

Are God's best days behind him?  Are we going to spend the rest of the OT reading 'back in my day, the LORD didn't put up with this shit!'
And cranky old man lines like;

6:5 Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.

Ever forward.

Book of Isaiah 1-3 the LORD will discover their secret parts.

Isaiah 1-3

I almost forgot, we're doing this Bible Project thing.

Isaiah, son of Amoz gets right to the finger wagging.  He doesn't care for the Israelites handling of they're "Chosen People" status.  And he raises an interesting point in 1:9

Except the LORD of hosts had left unto us a very small remnant, we should have been as Sodom, and we should have been like unto Gomorrah.

Considering how quickly God destroyed S&G, and killed thousands of Israelites after their escape from Egypt for breaking the rules, he seems to have gone soft after they settled in the promised land.  I know he still killed lots of folks for lots of reasons but his breaking point seems to have shifted.

We also get a return to the violent retribution for not following the rules!  At least that's what Isaiah wants.  We still haven't heard directly from the big guy in quite a while.

And when is this supposed to happen?

2:4 and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. Isaiah is a long book so lets hunker down and set our sites on the horizon.