Book of Joel

Book of Joel 1-3
The book of Joel seems to be all over the place.  He covers a lot of ground in three short chapters. If only the previous prophets were so kind...
Still, I'm REALLY bored with this repetitive shit.

First, Joel gives us the standard doom and gloom (The end of the world is nigh, but if you repent...).  He's very unhappy about the drought, wether real or metaphorical.

He then slowly changes the tone to one of the LORD loving his people and promising to be nice to them and give them the bounties they deserve.  "I'm coming back to you, and then we'll all eat ice cream and cake!'
I always get a kick out of this line which is repeated in various ways throughout the Old Testament;

2:13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. We finish with Joel not quite understanding what has happened to the people of Israel.  He seems to think that other nations came in of their own accord and ransacked the land, scattering the people and their wealth. 3:4 Yea, and what have ye to do with me, O Tyre, and Zidon, and all the coasts of Palestine? will ye render me a recompence? and if ye recompense me, swiftly and speedily will I return your recompence upon your own head; 3:5 Because ye have taken my silver and my gold, and have carried into your temples my goodly pleasant things: 3:6 The children also of Judah and the children of Jerusalem have ye sold unto the Grecians, that ye might remove them far from their border. Silly man.  That was all Gods doing.  He destroyed Israel and sold his own people to other nations because of their disobedience.  God must be pissed that Joel didn't give him full credit. God will get his revenge on the people that took HIS people captive. 3:8 And I will sell your sons and your daughters into the hand of the children of Judah, and they shall sell them to the Sabeans, to a people far off: for the LORD hath spoken it. Remember, he hasn't yet changed the rules to "Turn the other cheek" and "Forgive those that trespass against us" Funny, the shorter the book, the more I write about it. :-)

Book of Ezekiel 39-43 Bender's lame cousin Measurer

Ezekiel 39-43

More Gog bashing.  They have so many weapons that it'll take seven years to destroy them all!
And the Israelites are going to be burying bodies for seven months!
God must like the Gog (he/them/it) more than his 'chosen people' because the Gog get buried.  Lately, when God has had his own people murdered he just leaves their bodies out to rot and get eaten by the animals.
God hasn't yet come up with idea of turning the other cheek and the doing unto others slogan;

39:10 ... and they shall spoil those that spoiled them, and rob those that robbed them, saith the Lord GOD. Chapter 40-42 is officially the lamest part in the bible.  Ezekiel eats some peyote and meets a robot that measures things!  I kept reading, waiting for something interesting to happen but it never did.  You thought the description for the original temple was boring?  Ha!  I give you permission to skip this shit.   There is an important aspect to this chapter though.  The prophesy of the man with the shiny metal ass would be fulfilled in 1999.

Things get a little better in chapter 43 when God shows up in person to give more details on the house.
He points out, like Monty Hall, that Israel can own this house for the low, low price of their obedience and subjugation.  He also wants them to start cooking for the LORD again.

Book of Ezekiel 34-38 Gog Damn It!

Ezekiel 34-38

Well fancy that, we find another 'prediction' of Jesus' coming;

34:23 And I will set up one shepherd over them, and he shall feed them, even my servant David; he shall feed them, and he shall be their shepherd.

34:24 And I the LORD will be their God, and my servant David a prince among them; I the LORD have spoken it. In 35, God plans to kill off the Edomites on Mount Sier.  "I can't destroy Babylon, Egypt or the Assyrians but there is this smaller group up in the mountains I can probably take!"  God suddenly seems very small and impotent. Chapter 36 tells us the good that God is going to do isn't for the benefit of the Israelis but for his great name.  Vanity, thy name is the LORD! 36:22 Therefore say unto the house of Israel, thus saith the Lord GOD; I do not this for your sakes, O house of Israel, but for mine holy name's sake, which ye have profaned among the heathen, whither ye went. 36:23 And I will sanctify my great name, which was profaned among the heathen, which ye have profaned in the midst of them; and the heathen shall know that I am the LORD Chapter 38 brings us Gog.  They are the usual threat against Israel and God's gonna cause a lot of shit to go down.  End of Days type stuff.  Literally.  Everyone, even the birds and bees are going to be afraid.  This is done so God can "magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD."   Yeah, they'll know he's the LORD but everyone will hate him!  Time for some anger management!

Book of Ezekiel 11-15 When will this end?

Ezekiel 11-15

God needs to change his tactics after the mass killings failed to convince the Israelites that he is a kind and loving god.

11:18 And they shall come thither, and they shall take away all the detestable things thereof and all the abominations thereof from thence.
11:19 And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:
11:20 That they may walk in my statutes, and keep mine ordinances, and do them: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God.

Perhaps he should have 'put a new spirit within them, take the stony heart out of their flesh and give them an heart of flesh' in the first place.  ;-)

Chapter 13 again brings up my favorite theme that turns up in all books of the prophets.  That the other prophets are false and that you should only believe me!

13:2 Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, and say thou unto them that prophesy out of their own hearts, Hear ye the word of the LORD 13:6 They have seen vanity and lying divination, saying, The LORD saith: and the LORD hath not sent them: and they have made others to hope that they would confirm the word. Other than that, it's the same old shit.  Angry god, rebellious people, promises of wholesale slaughter.

Book of Jeremiah 30-33

Book of Jeremiah 30-33

Seems like God is admitting failure and looking to start over with the Israelites.

31:31 Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel, and with the house of Judah:

31:32 Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt; which my covenant they brake, although I was an husband unto them, saith the LORD: 31:33 But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people. 31:34 And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the LORD: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more. If they come back to him, he'll forget all the sinning and move forward. The LORD then over sees the purchase of land.  With the Israelites forsaking him and not feeding him his savory meats, he had to get a second job to put food on his plate. ;-) 32:14 Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Take these evidences, this evidence of the purchase, both which is sealed, and this evidence which is open; and put them in an earthen vessel, that they may continue many days. 32:15 For thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Houses and fields and vineyards shall be possessed again in this land. The end result is that Jeremiah (?) owns some of the promised land.   But how does he buy the land if he's in jail?  Where did he get the gold?   God has visions of a wonderful future, like he did when he started down this path with Abraham, but the reality of the situation will be much different. 32:37 Behold, I will gather them out of all countries, whither I have driven them in mine anger, and in my fury, and in great wrath; and I will bring them again unto this place, and I will cause them to dwell safely: 32:38 And they shall be my people, and I will be their God: 32:39 And I will give them one heart, and one way, that they may fear me for ever, for the good of them, and of their children after them: 32:40 And I will make an everlasting covenant with them, that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; but I will put my fear in their hearts, that they shall not depart from me.

Book of Isaiah 52-55

Isaiah 52-55

I guess I should pay closer attention to what Isaiah is saying but he's lost me as a writer.

Isaiah/God continues to tell us how great he is, why it's wonderful that he likes the Israelites (imagine if he DIDN'T like them!) and says something about how barren women, or women who have lost a child, or both should be ok with it because HE (God) is their husband.  Or, did I miss the point because I just don't care??

Chapter 53 has me very confused.  Is Isaiah trying to tell us we're supposed fel sorry for God?  Or am I reading this wrong and we're supposed to feel sorry for the unsaved man?   Or, did I miss the point because I just don't care??

Considering this is the inspired word of god almighty, it's not very clear sometimes.  When missionaries handed out bibles to tribes back in the day, did they really expect these people to catch on to christianity based on the Bible?   Or, did I miss the point because I don't care??

What do I care about?  The Viking Kittens!

Book of Isaiah 1-3 the LORD will discover their secret parts.

Isaiah 1-3

I almost forgot, we're doing this Bible Project thing.

Isaiah, son of Amoz gets right to the finger wagging.  He doesn't care for the Israelites handling of they're "Chosen People" status.  And he raises an interesting point in 1:9

Except the LORD of hosts had left unto us a very small remnant, we should have been as Sodom, and we should have been like unto Gomorrah.

Considering how quickly God destroyed S&G, and killed thousands of Israelites after their escape from Egypt for breaking the rules, he seems to have gone soft after they settled in the promised land.  I know he still killed lots of folks for lots of reasons but his breaking point seems to have shifted.

We also get a return to the violent retribution for not following the rules!  At least that's what Isaiah wants.  We still haven't heard directly from the big guy in quite a while.

And when is this supposed to happen?

2:4 and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. Isaiah is a long book so lets hunker down and set our sites on the horizon.

Book of Nehemiah 8-13

Nehemiah 8-13

Nothing like ANOTHER recap from a people separated by several centuries.  Again I ponder how long the Bible would be if they cut out the redundancy.  And don't get me started on the naming and the counting.

Several times through out the last two books, 'strange wives' are mentioned, meaning that the Israelites are marrying women from other tribes/countries.  Ezra and Nehemiah reflect on the Chosen People turning away from God and the sins committed but they keep coming back to the 'strange wives' as the big problem.
It reminds me of todays Christian politicians blaming the gays and the horror of gay marriage as causing the fall of America.

The more things change...


 

Book of Nehemiah 1-7 New Book, Old Construction

Nehemiah 1-7

We get yet another account of the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem.   This one is again devoid of the LORD and therefore devoid of killing!  Make for easier reading by us Atheists!

There is a certain sense of paranoia in this writing, and not without cause.When the Jews start rebuilding the city, the neighboring kingdoms get a little worried, perhaps remembering the past bloodshed brought on by the children of Israel in their bid to claim the promised land.  Is another war just around the corner?

Chapter 7 seems to be full of contradictions with the accounts of Ezra.  I'm sure an apologist can explain why the inspired word of God (as recorded by man) can't keep census numbers straight or do simple addition.

2 Kings 1-5 The Revenging!

2 Kings 1-5

The above is a New English Translation version.  If the King James version is making you weep blood, try the more user friendly translation.  I'm forced to stick with the toe-crappity KJV.

Anyway, on to the second book of Kings.

When we last checked in with out hapless kings, they were alternating between worshipping and pissing off the LORD.  I'm guessing that the second book will be exactly the same thing.

Ahaziah, the king of the Moabs falls thru his roof garden (?) and gets hurt.  So, he consults a prophet, but from the wrong god.  He then tries to meet with Elijah and the prophet of the LORD kills over one hundred men because their king consulted with the prophets of Baalzebub first.  The king also dies.

BTW, Beelzebubba is a great album by the Dead Milkmen and everyone should buy it.

Elijah goes up to Heaven in a whirlwind.  Why?  Will he come back?  Very Jesus like.

Elisha is freaked out but carries on his friends work.

2:23 gives us one of those great, bizarre head scratching passages that can only be found in the Bible.

Here is a great reenactment of the event.

The Moabs cause trouble again and the splintered tribes of Israel go to battle once more, but only after Elisha has God water there cattle.

The LORD commands another scorched earth policy, telling the Israelites to kill everyone and everything.  They leave without killing everyone after the king offers his son as a burnt offering.  I'm guessing that, again, God will not be happy with only a partial massacre.

We return to the adventures of Elisha and find him performing acts that Jesus will later add to his own bag o' tricks..

The bottomless vessel of oil, raising the dead and curing leprosy.  Elisha could alos make rotten stew yummy again.

I'm going to try and add more links and videos to these posts.  This monotonous stuff is killing my spirit so I need to juice it up.

1 Kings 11-14 Wash, Rinse Repeat

1 Kings 11-14
Turns out Solomon is a slut.
All his whoring turns him away from The LORD, which makes The LORD mad (talk about a steep learning curve).  Solomon dies.  God abandons Israel and bad things happen.

Good God!  Again?!?!  Does every story in the OT end with the leader or the people turning against God?
Is this storyline going to run through the rest of the books?
When will these dense Israelites get it?

Then we get the idiot plot of Jeroboam.
How many bad choices can one man make?
This guy reminds me of Todd Stroger, former president of Cook County, Illinois.
His father,  John Stroger was the president  for many years and well liked until he passed away from a stroke.  The younger Stroger was elected to replace him  and seemingly did everything he could to screw up what his father had accomplished.

But I digress.

Jeroboam and his brother rule their respective parts and then die.

1 Kings 8-10 Politics-The more things change...

1 Kings 8-10

Solomon proves himself to be quite the politician.  He would have done well in Chicago.

The ark is brought to the temple and God unleashes his "cloud" immediately (insert fart joke here).

At the dedication of the new temple, Solomon rededicates the Israelites to The Lord.
This came off (to me) as a politician making a speech.

The Queen of Sheba shows up because she doesn't believe how great Solomon is (?).   When she sees his greatness he gives him a shitload of gold.  Could political favors be far behind?

1 Kings 4-7 God's House is a Very, Very Fine House

1 Kings 4-7

Bummer my first day back and all we get to read about is about a couple of houses getting built.

My question is;  Did the Israelites/God purposefully abandon the tabernacle tent set up once they reached the promised land?  Is the "House of God", as a permanent structure supposed to represent an established nation of Israel?

Bonus question;  What is a molten sea?

Below is a 3D reconstruction of Solomon's Temple.

1 Samuel 28-31

1 Samuel 28-31

Man this is one harsh way to end a book!  I've complained that some of the previous books had weak endings.  1 Samuel makes up for it in spades!

Saul goes to a witch/psychic to talk to the dead Samuel.  Even though this is a parable, it says allot about what the Israelites believed.
A) They believed that people survived in some form after death.
B) They believed that the living could communicate with the dead.
C) The dead could predict the future.

Saul doesn't like what Samuel has to say but his fate is sealed,  along with his sons and the army of Israel in general.

Meanwhile, David isn't allowed to fight the Israelites with the Philistines, lest he become a turncoat during the battle.  To make matters worse, the previously "utterly destroyed" Amalekites have invaded and taken David's wives.  David chases them down and destroys them once again (except for the 400 that escape on camels).

We finish with Saul and his sons being defeated in battle, Saul, not wanting the Philistines to have the honor of taking his life does it himself.  Is this the first literary instance of someone "falling on his sword"?  The Philistines don't treat the dead very well.

Again, I have to comment that this feels very Shakespearian to me.  I think it would be a safe assumption to say that he used the Bible as an influence.  I've also seen pieces that say the Bard helped translate the KJ Bible but there seems to be debate on the amount of involvement.

The sequel starts tomorrow.  David's revenge?

1 Samuel 5-7 God's Road Trip

1 Samuel 5-7

The LORD spends a few days with the Phillies but it doesn't go well.
Golden mice and hemorrhoids?!?!  Is there another meaning for this that I'm not getting?

God doesn't really punish the Philistines for kidnapping him (other then the 'roids) but he immediately kills over 50,000 of Israelites when they look into the ark.

Even so, he takes credit for defeating the Philistines and keeping them out for a bit.

Deuteronomy 28-30

Deuteronomy 28-30

Deuteronomy 28-30 Skeptic Annotated Bible

We learn all the things that The LORD shall bless Israel with.  And then get the curses if they follow another god.  The curses seem much more detailed then the blessings but that may just be my bias talking.

Perhaps one final round of throwing the fear of God into the Israelites before they take possession of the promised land?

Deuteronomy 16-18

Deuteronomy 16-18

Deuteronomy 16-18 Skeptics Annotated Bible

Chapter 16 is more rehashing
Chapter 17 tells us that a king will be installed once the Israelites settle in the promised land.
Chapter 18 reminds us to kill witches and others associated with occult like things.

Most interestingly, we also learn that God will raise a prophet up from these people.  Am I wrong or is this is the first solid reference/predication of Jesus (to the believers that is)?
Us Atheists like to call that retro-fitting.  ;-)

Edit: I meant to say force-fitting, not retro-fitting Jesus into the story.

Deuteronomy 7-9 Mo' Frontin' Than a East Coast Rappa

Deuteronomy 7-9

Deuteronomy 7-9 Skeptics Annotated Bible

We see that God is still homicidally insecure at 7:4
For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.


God brags thru most of chapter 7, talking smack about how powerful he is and how he'll destroy anyone who gets in his way.


At 9:5 we see that God hasn't forgotten the whiny, cowardly Israelites from Mount Sinai.
Not for thy righteousness, or for the uprightness of thine heart, dost thou go to possess their land: but for the wickedness of these nations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee, and that he may perform the word which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.


I agree with God on one point.  He's basically saying that he's doing this for Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and not for the current Israelites.  The people of Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers certainly haven't earned their good fortune with the way they've followed the LORD's commands.  I hope they appreciate this!
Then again, I'd hesitate to follow a god that feds me only manna and then kills my family for complaining.

Deuteronomy 4-6

Deuteronomy 4-6

Deuteronomy 4-6 Skeptics Annotated Bible

I'm probably wrong but 4:36 says;
"Out of heaven he made thee to hear his voice, that he might instruct thee: and upon earth he shewed thee his great fire; and thou heardest his words out of the midst of the fire."
seems to be the first instance of God being in Heaven.  I'm sure someone can set me the straight on this.

This seems to be a rewriting of history.  5:5 says;
I stood between the LORD and you at that time, to shew you the word of the LORD: for ye were afraid by reason of the fire, and went not up into the mount
But weren't the Israelites warned that if they got near the mountain, they would be consumed in fire?

Lucky us!  We get another rewording of the ten commandments at 5:11

God endorses graffiti at 6:9;
And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.


We end with another command to OBEY and FEAR the LORD.  Why is fear still necessary?

Numbers 15-19 Crush, Kill, Destroy and then Wash Up

Numbers 15-19

Chapter 15 shows that God is off his meds again.  Talking about how he likes an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD, then he commands a man to be stoned to death for collecting sticks on the sabbath (was the man even an Israelite?) and then tells his people to put fringe on their garments.
WTH?


He continues the mass murder in 16 before pulling a rabbit out of his hat to appease the Levites


We finish up with some cleaning instructions.


And I thought God was harsh when he went off on the Egyptians.