Book of Amos, I will send a fire

Amos 1-9
Amos continues God's rant against everyone that has done him wrong.  Get it all out LORD, you don't want to have a stroke.

Amos does give us a theme to make the reading easier.

Thus saith the LORD; For three transgressions of <insert evil people here>, and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; because <fill in transgression here>... But I will send a fire upon <insert transgressor here>... This one line is the smoking gun I've been looking for. 3:2 You only have I known of all the families of the earth: therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities. Ever since the story of Noah, I've wondered why God seems to be stalking and terrorizing a very small, specific group of people.  After all the VAST majority of the world's population could care less about this god, most have never heard of him.  He only has power to hurt you if you believe he exists. As people left to start out on their own, why didn't God smite the hell out of them as a lesson? I truly would love to hear an answer. Chapter 4 just highlights how clueless God is when he wonders why his people no longer worship him, even after he's starved them, killed their young men and brought drought and floods to the land. Still, Amos/God continue spewing the same doom and gloom as the others have. The last part of the book gives us Amos' origin story.  He is warned not to go into the prophet biz but God insists. God uses props to help Amos understand.  A plumbline and basket of fruit. He also will cause a famine of himself. 8:11 Behold, the days come, saith the Lord GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD: 8:12 And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the LORD, and shall not find it. I'm guessing that if Israel doesn't care about him now, having him disappear isn't going to bother them much.  They'd probably enjoy a reprieve from the killing. We end the book with God again promising to destroy all but a few of his special people. He then makes a promise, that Israel "shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given them".  Only took him 2500 years to keep that promise and even now, Israel is under constant threat from it's neighbors.

Book of Joel

Book of Joel 1-3
The book of Joel seems to be all over the place.  He covers a lot of ground in three short chapters. If only the previous prophets were so kind...
Still, I'm REALLY bored with this repetitive shit.

First, Joel gives us the standard doom and gloom (The end of the world is nigh, but if you repent...).  He's very unhappy about the drought, wether real or metaphorical.

He then slowly changes the tone to one of the LORD loving his people and promising to be nice to them and give them the bounties they deserve.  "I'm coming back to you, and then we'll all eat ice cream and cake!'
I always get a kick out of this line which is repeated in various ways throughout the Old Testament;

2:13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. We finish with Joel not quite understanding what has happened to the people of Israel.  He seems to think that other nations came in of their own accord and ransacked the land, scattering the people and their wealth. 3:4 Yea, and what have ye to do with me, O Tyre, and Zidon, and all the coasts of Palestine? will ye render me a recompence? and if ye recompense me, swiftly and speedily will I return your recompence upon your own head; 3:5 Because ye have taken my silver and my gold, and have carried into your temples my goodly pleasant things: 3:6 The children also of Judah and the children of Jerusalem have ye sold unto the Grecians, that ye might remove them far from their border. Silly man.  That was all Gods doing.  He destroyed Israel and sold his own people to other nations because of their disobedience.  God must be pissed that Joel didn't give him full credit. God will get his revenge on the people that took HIS people captive. 3:8 And I will sell your sons and your daughters into the hand of the children of Judah, and they shall sell them to the Sabeans, to a people far off: for the LORD hath spoken it. Remember, he hasn't yet changed the rules to "Turn the other cheek" and "Forgive those that trespass against us" Funny, the shorter the book, the more I write about it. :-)

Book of Hosea, Like a silly dove without heart

Book of Hosea 1-14

Hosea gives us a rather long winded parable on the Israel's fall from grace.  We've heard it all before in the same style (including Israel portrayed as a whorish woman).  At least it's a pretty easy read.

God tells Hosea to marry tainted women and then buy a woman and have an affair with her.
The old "God told me to!" excuse.  Timeless.

There is really nothing of note in this book other then God's disappointment with his chosen people and the brutal way he deals with it.

Ultimately, god will forgive them and take them back.

Book of Ezekiel 16-19 Cause Jerusalem to know her abominations

Ezekiel 16-19

Ezekiel goes to the old standby of using the harlot as a symbol for Israel.  He seems to go into greater detail than the other prophets and calls out "her" indiscretions.

God gives Ezekiel a "riddle"/parable in chapter 17.  Evidently God had to keep simple as Ezekiel had the inteelegance of a third grader.

He then critiques a proverb in chapter 18.  I think it's just sour grapes.

Book of Ezekiel 6-10 they shall know that I am the LORD

Ezekeil 6-10

This pretty much summarizes the entire Old Testament in a few sentences;

6:7 And the slain shall fall in the midst of you, and ye shall know that I am the LORD.

6:8 Yet will I leave a remnant, that ye may have some that shall escape the sword among the nations, when ye shall be scattered through the countries. 6:10 And they shall know that I am the LORD, and that I have not said in vain that I would do this evil unto them. God makes a rare personal appearance in Chapter 8.  He seems to appear in front of a group of people other then a lone, crazy prophet. 8:1 And it came to pass in the sixth year, in the sixth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I sat in mine house, and the elders of Judah sat before me, that the hand of the Lord GOD fell there upon me. 8:2 Then I beheld, and lo a likeness as the appearance of fire: from the appearance of his loins even downward, fire; and from his loins even upward, as the appearance of brightness, as the colour of amber. Ezekiel gets a tour of the temple filled with the ancients that have done wrong in the eyes of the LORD. He then (dreams/imagines) that God sends out men to slaughter the masses.  Those who accept God's laws are given a mark and spared. Chapter 10 rehashes chapter 1 except the face of the Ox is replaced by a face of a Cherub. All in all, were falling back into the same storyline as the other prophets.

Book of Jeremiah 13-15 Dirty Girdle

Jeremiah 13-15

Chapter 13 starts off sounding like a set up for a joke but there is no pay-off.  Can anyone make something funny out of it?

God is going to cause Jerusalem to expose it's proverbial privates to expose it's naughtiness.

13:26 Therefore will I discover thy skirts upon thy face, that thy shame may appear.

13:27 I have seen thine adulteries, and thy neighings, the lewdness of thy whoredom, and thine abominations on the hills in the fields. Woe unto thee, O Jerusalem! wilt thou not be made clean? when shall it once be?

If the city's already being bad, why does he need to expose it?

God once again tells them that they are screwed no matter what.  He ain't listening.

14:12 When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. God also tells a prophet that prophets are liars!  Except for Jeremiah of course.  That was probably mentioned in his ad in the local paper. 14:14 Then the LORD said unto me, The prophets prophesy lies in my name: I sent them not, neither have I commanded them, neither spake unto them: they prophesy unto you a false vision and divination, and a thing of nought, and the deceit of their heart. 14:15 Therefore thus saith the LORD concerning the prophets that prophesy in my name, and I sent them not, yet they say, Sword and famine shall not be in this land; By sword and famine shall those prophets be consumed. I'm finding it interesting that the LORD is always threatening Israel with near utter destruction like in first part of chapter 15 but he never follows thru.  Unlike the bloodthirsty god of the first part of the OT, this god just talks shit he can't back up with action.

Jeremiah 1-3 A prophet unto the nations

Jeremiah 1-3

Isaiah is done but Jeremiah looks to be just as tough to get through.  I'm actually fondly remembering the wholesale slaughter in the Book of Joshua.
The guys sure aren't Elijah/Jesus level prophets.

How do we know Jeremiah is a prophet?  He says he is.
How does HE know he's a prophet?  God told him so.  'nuff said.  After all, no one questions that John Smith was a true prophet.

So, we've proven Jeremiah is a prophet, but we don't get any profit out of the first few chapters in his book.  Just the same old speech about Israelites turning away from God and God being sad.

Jeremiah doesn't mince words.  He doesn't care much for the actions of Israel or Judah.

3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.

Even though they are both horrible states, God like Israel better.  He gives them a chance.

3:12 Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever.

Finally, at the end of chapter 3 we get a little light prophecy about reunification, but any dime-store prophet could have prophesied that.

Book of Isaiah 63-66 Where for art thou?

Isaiah 63-66

This book has dragged on forever.  The folks that compiled the KJV left out a lot of stuff.  Why didn't they cut Isaiah down to 20-30 chapters?

We do get some really good writing  from Isaiah at the end and he asks a really good question;
'Hey God!  Where did you go? Why don't you hang out with us like you did with Abraham and Moses?'

He asks these questions but he already knows the reason.  Israel is a collective bunch of screw-ups who can't/won't follow God's rules.  Pretty simple.

God has a good answer for him;
'I watch you continually disappointing me and I know you'll always be this way but I won't destroy you completely.  Some of you will obey and I'll be nice to you.'

He seems to indicate that he'll start again from scratch;

65:17 For, behold, I create new heavens and a new earth: and the former shall not be remembered, nor come into mind. And 66:22 For as the new heavens and the new earth, which I will make, shall remain before me, saith the LORD, so shall your seed and your name remain. Chapter 66 is how ALL the books of the bible should end!!!  Fire! Death! Redemption!  Every word is gold.  We get a concise explanation of what God plans to do. Isaiah may be long-winded but he knew how to finish with a bang.

Dead Sea Scrolls Online

Here is an interesting article on the Dead Sea Scrolls, which are now online in complete form with translations thanks to a partnership between Google and the Israel Museum.
The article talks about the control of information as a source of power, even in the digital age.

You can find the project online here

A story about getting them online is here.

Book of Isaiah 46-48

Isaiah 46-48

Once more, nothing much to report from these passages.

Isaiah/God does give us a rather lengthy but clear idea of why the Israelites are in the situation they're in.
He sounds like a tired old parent (which I guess he is), reminding the offspring that "Yes, I still love you and yes, you can continue to live in my basement without paying rent.  But, if you listen to me and straighten out and get a job, I'll let you live in the finished attic, or better yet, I'll loan you money tot get your own place!"

The seed O Jacob seems to be ok with the basement.

Book of Isaiah 40-43 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd

Isaiah 40-43

We get another early (pre-New testament) reference to shepherds, lambs and flocks that will become the running theme in Christianity.

40:11 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. 40:18 To whom then will ye liken God? or what likeness will ye compare unto him? A ton of people think Eric Clapton is God. I personally prefer Bob Mould. We learn that Isaiah himself is the LORD God! 41:4 Who hath wrought and done it, calling the generations from the beginning? I the LORD, the first, and with the last; I am he. This is in the first person form and the Bible is all true, so....  ;-) God makes the bold statement that he is the one and only God in existence but, he he proclaims that his existence is finite!!!  He's mortal!!! 43:10 Ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen: that ye may know and believe me, and understand that I am he: before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me. He goes on to proclaim that he is the only way to be saved. Chapters 42-43 are stuffed with meaty goodness but rather confusing to this humble reader. God seems to be saying 'I love you Israel.  You are my favorite people and I'll bless you, even though you are sinners and repeatedly disobey me.' What do you think?  Is God getting a soft heart for the blight of the Israelites?  Is he still disappointed in them but like a parent, helping them out begrudgingly?

Book of Isaiah 30-32 to sift the nations with the sieve of vanity

Isaiah 30-32

Seems like only last week that Isaiah said that Egypt, Assyria and Israel would all join together and praise the LORD.

30:31 For through the voice of the LORD shall the Assyrian be beaten down, [which] smote with a rod.

Guess they have to get their collective asses kicked first.

Will the Conservative Bible Project change these lines?

32:5 The vile person shall be no more called liberal

32:8 But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand.

Book of Isaiah 17-20 as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit

Isaiah 17-20

Isaiah continues his rants against other nations.  I imagine him as a Ted Kaczynski type loner living in a cave, making empty threats against all those he thinks have wronged him/Israel in the past.  Damascus and Egypt are the focus for this reading.

  

Women are insulted when they are portrayed as weak creatures;

19:16 In that day shall Egypt be like unto women: and it shall be afraid and fear because of the shaking of the hand of the LORD of hosts, which he shaketh over it.

He seems to think that Egypt will become friendly with Israel and Assyria or possibly become a jewish (or christian?) nation.  Better hurry up the end of times is coming fast!  oh, and Assyria no longer exists according to Wikipedia.

That's the problem with prophesies. Those of us living here in the future have actual history to judge them against.  The key is to make a prophesy of a past event in private without dating it, wait several decades for it to be released, and then let the world think you're a freaking great prophet.

Here are some examples from my personal, handwritten journal that will be released on my 100th birthday in the year 2061;

1. In the autumn, those who follow the prophet Mohamed will cause the towers of the great city to erupt in flame.  America, the Great Satan will run in fear and confusion.  But, their wrath shall be swift and bring death and destruction to the innocent in the land of Allah.

2. The dictator of Babylon shall thump his chest and  proclaim to be invincible, but the great army of the west shall drive him into a hole.  He shall find final justice at the wrong end of an asp. (see what I did there?  I used a metaphor!)

3.  God shall exact revenge on the great island nation for the false worship of Hello Kitty.  The earth shall open up under their feet, the sea shall wash away the sinful and God's wrath shall glow and spew from their places of great power.  Microchip production maybe affected and God will cause longer then usual shipping times for the iPad.

Book of Ezra 1-5 for his mercy endureth for ever toward Israel

Book of Ezra 1-5

People move back to Jerusalem and try to get God to like them again.

After all the violence in the previous books, it's nice to read a few chapters where the LORD has no input.

I like the names Artaxerxes and Asnapper

2 Chronicles 9-15 ...and also in Judah things went well.

2 Chronicles 9-15

"...and also in Judah things went well." Well, except for the enslavement to the Egyptians thing.


And Israel suffers a body count of 500,000 people at the hands of Judah.  I guess brotherly love doesn't kick in until Jesus shows up.


God helps Asa kill one million Ethiopians.


"They smote also the tents of cattle"  Wait.  What?  The Ethiopians kept their cattle in tents?


We finish up with God agreeing (thru a covenant) that all non-believers should be put to death.


Strange these Bible stories never made it to my sunday school classes.

1 Samuel 28-31

1 Samuel 28-31

Man this is one harsh way to end a book!  I've complained that some of the previous books had weak endings.  1 Samuel makes up for it in spades!

Saul goes to a witch/psychic to talk to the dead Samuel.  Even though this is a parable, it says allot about what the Israelites believed.
A) They believed that people survived in some form after death.
B) They believed that the living could communicate with the dead.
C) The dead could predict the future.

Saul doesn't like what Samuel has to say but his fate is sealed,  along with his sons and the army of Israel in general.

Meanwhile, David isn't allowed to fight the Israelites with the Philistines, lest he become a turncoat during the battle.  To make matters worse, the previously "utterly destroyed" Amalekites have invaded and taken David's wives.  David chases them down and destroys them once again (except for the 400 that escape on camels).

We finish with Saul and his sons being defeated in battle, Saul, not wanting the Philistines to have the honor of taking his life does it himself.  Is this the first literary instance of someone "falling on his sword"?  The Philistines don't treat the dead very well.

Again, I have to comment that this feels very Shakespearian to me.  I think it would be a safe assumption to say that he used the Bible as an influence.  I've also seen pieces that say the Bard helped translate the KJ Bible but there seems to be debate on the amount of involvement.

The sequel starts tomorrow.  David's revenge?

1 Samuel 24-27 LORD lord Lordy

1 Samuel 24-27

Does anyone else have to re-read passages over and over because of the frequent uses of LORD and lord?

Some times I don't know who's command who to do stuff!

Chapter 24 is one of my favorite readings this year.  David and Saul have an impassioned talk about their relationship, with David pleading with Saul to stop his unwarranted aggression.
The golden nugget from this chapter has to be at 24:4 when David's servants remind him that the LORD will one day deliver your enemy to you and you will do what you see fit unto them.  David's action is compassion.  But how did Saul not know that David cut a piece from his robe?!?!
I found this to be one of the best written pieces we've read so far.  How about you?

And Samuel dies.  This is VERY glossed over, almost literally "Oh, by the way, Samuel's dead".  These books are named after him for christ's sake!

We then get a mini-story that seems to be inserted form another author.  In it, David acts more like Saul, being less tolerant and aggressive.
THe interesting part is the strong role of the woman (one of David's future wife and the namesake of our star commenter) Abigail.
It was very much filler, perhaps to put some time between the David/Saul encounters?

Unfortunately, David still doesn't trust Saul, and why should he!  I like the sneaking into a sleeping camp and David having a discussion with Abishai about Saul's fate.  Felt very Shakespearian.

This of course sets up another dialogue betwixt the king and king to be.  Could this be a different version of the previous story?

David then decides that his only chose is to live amongst the Philistines and smote people.

1 Samuel 19-23 David and Jonathan sitting in a tree...

1 Samuel 19-23

David and Jonathan seem to be a couple.  Thought God frowned on the gays.

Saul continues to hate David and David is fearful of Saul.

It doesn't stop either of them from killing scores of Philistines during the chase.

My question is; What is this story trying to tell us?  David is not looking very "kingly" at this point.

1 Samuel 8-11 God Save the King

1 Samuel 8-11

Samuel's sons are rotten priests.  A retelling of the sons of Eli?  The verbiage is VERY similar.

2:22 Now Eli was very old, and heard all that his sons did unto all Israel; and how they lay with the women that assembled [at] the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.


8:1 And it came to pass, when Samuel was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel.

Now the name of his firstborn was Joel; and the name of his second, Abiah: [they were] judges in Beersheba.

And his sons walked not in his ways, but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted judgment.

The people want a king but Samuel isn't buying the idea.  He talks to God about it, who tells him go ahead and find himself a king.

We then get to meet Saul.  Whadda think happens?

I liked this story/parable.  It shows Saul as a common man with a great destiny (seems to be a running theme).  

I like the ending where they find the asses.  How about you?  ;-)

We'll overlook the 'oh, by the way, we smote the Ammonites in the heat of the afternoon sun' thing.

It's like they HAD to throw in a killing to make the story complete.

1 Samuel 1-4

1 Samuel 1-4

Samuel is born.
Eli's sons are no good.
The Philistines kick the Israeli's collective ass and take the ark of God.  


Shouldn't God have known this would happen?  Or is his real plan about to unfold?  ;-)