Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Book of Ezekiel 23-25 The Tarantino Version is Better

Ezekiel 23-25

Chapter 23 has one of the creepiest parables in the entire bible.  That's some serious misogynistic thinking.

Chapter 24 is just more angry god spew.

And then there is chapter 25!  One of the most googled chapters in the entire bible.
Why?  Because Quentin Tarantino used 25:17 in the classic movie Pulp Fiction.  Tarantino actually did a huge rewrite on the actual line;

25:17 And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.

The line in the movie is much longer;
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

The clip below is of course not even remotely safe for work or more sensitive readers.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Book of Ezekiel 20-22

Ezekiel 20-22

You know the routine.
God's pissed and we're all gonna die.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Book of Ezekiel 16-19 Cause Jerusalem to know her abominations

Ezekiel 16-19

Ezekiel goes to the old standby of using the harlot as a symbol for Israel.  He seems to go into greater detail than the other prophets and calls out "her" indiscretions.

God gives Ezekiel a "riddle"/parable in chapter 17.  Evidently God had to keep simple as Ezekiel had the inteelegance of a third grader.

He then critiques a proverb in chapter 18.  I think it's just sour grapes.

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Book of Ezekiel 11-15 When will this end?

Ezekiel 11-15

God needs to change his tactics after the mass killings failed to convince the Israelites that he is a kind and loving god.

11:18 And they shall come thither, and they shall take away all the detestable things thereof and all the abominations thereof from thence.

11:19 And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

11:20 That they may walk in my statutes, and keep mine ordinances, and do them: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God.

Perhaps he should have 'put a new spirit within them, take the stony heart out of their flesh and give them an heart of flesh' in the first place.  ;-)

Chapter 13 again brings up my favorite theme that turns up in all books of the prophets.  That the other prophets are false and that you should only believe me!

13:2 Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, and say thou unto them that prophesy out of their own hearts, Hear ye the word of the LORD
13:6 They have seen vanity and lying divination, saying, The LORD saith: and the LORD hath not sent them: and they have made others to hope that they would confirm the word.

Other than that, it's the same old shit.  Angry god, rebellious people, promises of wholesale slaughter.

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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Book of Ezekiel 6-10 they shall know that I am the LORD

Ezekeil 6-10

This pretty much summarizes the entire Old Testament in a few sentences;

6:7 And the slain shall fall in the midst of you, and ye shall know that I am the LORD.
6:8 Yet will I leave a remnant, that ye may have some that shall escape the sword among the nations, when ye shall be scattered through the countries.
6:10 And they shall know that I am the LORD, and that I have not said in vain that I would do this evil unto them.

God makes a rare personal appearance in Chapter 8.  He seems to appear in front of a group of people other then a lone, crazy prophet.
8:1 And it came to pass in the sixth year, in the sixth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I sat in mine house, and the elders of Judah sat before me, that the hand of the Lord GOD fell there upon me.
8:2 Then I beheld, and lo a likeness as the appearance of fire: from the appearance of his loins even downward, fire; and from his loins even upward, as the appearance of brightness, as the colour of amber.

Ezekiel gets a tour of the temple filled with the ancients that have done wrong in the eyes of the LORD.

He then (dreams/imagines) that God sends out men to slaughter the masses.  Those who accept God's laws are given a mark and spared.

Chapter 10 rehashes chapter 1 except the face of the Ox is replaced by a face of a Cherub.

All in all, were falling back into the same storyline as the other prophets.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Book of Ezekiel 1-5 baking it in their sight on human dung

Ezekiel 1-5

OMFG!  Are you kidding me?!?! Another prophet reporting on the exile and the fall of Jerusalem?
This is proof that there is a god and that he hates me.

The bright note about Ezekiel (the beginning of the book anyway) is that it merges two groups that believe in far-fetched ideas, UFO enthusiasts and the religious.

The LORD asks much of Ezekiel. Laying on a brick for almost 400 days sounds like a cushy job but it's got to be boring as hell and on top of that he's on a bread and water diet.
Speaking of which, God seems to have invented multi-grain bread. But don't go looking for it. The LORD is going to starve one third of the people to death for their sins against him.
He also plans to kill another third thru pestilence and terrorize the remaining third with the swords of Israel's enemies

Even though Ezekiel's writing is better, he still have the same "you guys suck" message as Jeremiah.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Book of Lamentations

After a long break due to an insane work schedule consisting of coast to cost travel with points in between, I bring you Lamentations, a short book from Jeremiah (?) consisting of mostly whining and a real downer.  Sounds like Jeremiah to me.

Chapter 2 once more brings up the idea (or truth, since this is the inspired word of god) that prophets are phony.  What does that say about Isaiah, Jeremiah and the others?

Chapter 4 is really depressing.  Innocent dead children tend to be that way.

Chapter 5 gives us a nice recap of the last few books.

We screwed up.
God is mad at us for screwing up.
We lost everything because we screwed up.
If we stop screwing up God will be nice to us again.

Did I miss anything?

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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Book of Jeremiah 46-52

Jeremiah 46-52

I'm really busy this weekend so I'm posting the remainder of the Jeremiah readings. We'll start with Lamentations on Monday

I wish I had more time to write about the last part of Jeremiah because it's damn good reading! It took a LONG time to get here, but the war, mayhem and murder are epic.
Jeremiah/God go after everyone who pissed off any part of Israel.
The movie The Godfather once again comes to mind with the classic ending of Michael settling all scores against the family.

God I wish this were the end of the Old Testament.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Book of Nephi ...and it came to pass

I thought we'd take a field trip today and visit The Book of Mormon.
Why?  Because it starts with the First Book of Nephi and takes place at the same time as the Book of Jeremiah.

Nephi's father was Lehi, a prophet in Jerusalem and they witnessed the fall to Babylon.  Like Jeremiah, he was disliked by the jewish population for telling them that God hated what they have become.

But, unlike Jeremiah they hauled ass out of Jerusalem and into the wilderness.

No need to go deeper then the first few chapters unless you want to count the insanely repetitive phrase
"And it came to pass".   It's used so much it becomes a comedic element.  Joseph Smith was in desperate need of a thesaurus!

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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Book of Jeremiah 41-45 But they hearkened not

Jeremiah 41-45

Now, where were we?
The chase is on.

Chapter 41 reads like the police beat section of the local paper.

41:17 mentions Bethlehem.  An obvious prophecy about Jesus.

The start of chapter 42 made me laugh!

42:2 And said unto Jeremiah the prophet, Let, we beseech thee, our supplication be accepted before thee, and pray for us unto the LORD thy God, even for all this remnant; (for we are left but a few of many, as thine eyes do behold us:)

42:3 That the LORD thy God may shew us the way wherein we may walk, and the thing that we may do.

I think the LORD has made his wishes quite clear over the last few hundred years!  This is a dense group of people.  They decide that Jeremiah is lying to them and they head off to Egypt to escape the invading horde.  God will be disappointed in them I'm sure.

Chapter 44 has God/Jeremiah going on and on and on about punishing those that went to Egypt. We get it, they'll die by the sword and b the famine. That'll teach them for burning incense to the wrong god.

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