Thursday, March 10, 2011

Atheist Jokes?

My sister ( Buddhist) sent me some Catholic jokes today.  It got me to thinking, I don't think I've ever heard an Atheist joke.

Share 'em if you got 'em.
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  1. I don't think atheism has evolved enough as a subculture to have developed a stereotyped comedic discourse at our expense. This one's as close as I can find:

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on
    the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

    I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

    "Like what?"

    "Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


    "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


    "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


    "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
    Church of the Lord?"

    "Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

    To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

  2. Back in the 1980's a comedian named Emo Phillips told that joke beautifully. Here is a you tube clip of it:

    I guess I should introduce myself because I have been following this blog daily since the first entry but have never posted anything myself. I'm pretty post-shy and bible illiterate, so I usually don't feel like I have much to add to the conversation. This has been great so far. Thanks to all for the great insight.

  3. @Abbie - Great joke! I've always loved that one!

    @Paul Booker - Welcome and thanks for the clip!

    OK - here's one I found online:

    A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
    However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
    So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
    "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
    And a great voice was heard from above:

  4. These are great jokes but the are still jabs at the believer. I'm looking for jokes that are at the expense of the Atheist.
    They have to exist!

  5. There seem to be some here:

  6. Q: Why did the atheist cross the road?

    A: Because of a complex but rational series of physical events cascading forth since the big bang.

  7. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.
    As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
    He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
    He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
    At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'
    Time stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.
    It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
    'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
    Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
    The atheist looked directly into the light.
    'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'
    'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
    And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'

  8. Susan, Abbie,
    Great link, thanks!

    I've heard that joke before!!!

  9. Might have heard this one before as well.

    There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

    Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

    One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.

    AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her."

    He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere!

    The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol'crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

    Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . .

    She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

    Clean Prayer Jokes

  10. @Edward,
    Love it and never heard it before!

  11. how many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It doesn't matter because they like to live in the dark.

    ...its the only atheist joke I know

  12. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

  13. A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist were enjoying a summer day in a boat on the lake. The priest said to the atheist, "Miracles still happen. For example, I can walk on water."
    "Sure you can," replied the atheist.
    So the priest carefully got out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore.
    The rabbi said to the atheist, "This isn't just a Christian thing. I can walk on water too."
    "Don't believe it," said the atheist.
    So the rabbi carefully got out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore.
    They both encouraged the atheist to exercise a little faith and walk on water too. He carefully got out of the boat--and promptly fell sputtering into the lake.
    The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "Maybe we should have told him where the stones are."